ushering the crocodile self
33 with 0 complaints
hi my darling, how are you doing today? i am feeling ethereal and very content on this special day, aka my bday!!! i am turning 33. i know! that number alone gives me all the vibes.
when i turned 31, i had no idea what to do and felt the need to do something. i ended up spending the day at home in Addis, with my mom. my sister came later and we had cake, it was jolly.
it made me realize i no longer feel the need to celebrate my birthday in the way i used to—a lot of anticipation and planning. i realized that i have created a life that i celebrate every day. a life that centers me. so i don’t need one day in a year where it’s all about me to make me feel special, when my entire life—my day-to-day—makes me feel special!
this year i had wanted to organize a fundraiser on my birthday, but that idea came too late to me and i did not find it suitable to do it in a hurry. i have always wanted to be a philanthropist by age 50, but then it dawned on me that i don’t need to wait to have so much in order to give, for giving has many forms. so i decided to speak, share what i know—that is my responsibility. not forcing my ideas, but putting them out there so that if people see fit, they can use them. that led to me being the target of a social media smear campaign that forced me to leave my hometown of Addis in November 2024, Ethiopia. it was a horrible time in my life. i felt extremely betrayed by my own people and country.
it has been a year and five months since then, and i am happy to report the healing has taken place! and i feel better than ever! but i also have the depth and mistrust of a person who has lived through their worst fear.
before i get into the croc business, i want to talk about love, and the revelation i had regarding love. i am talking about romantic love. i am 33 and single and LOVING IT! the last relationship i was in was the one i thought would be it, and it was also the one that dissolved my aspirations for a happily ever after. this past year, i was curious about what i want regarding romantic love, only to find out that romantic love has always felt laborious asfff. like damn! i gotta do all that!
it was a somatic art exercise i did around the topic that revealed that i am sooooooo sooo soo glad that i do not have to share my life with anyone.
My life is ALL for MEEEE!!
this is ringing louder and clearer as i am celebrating my bday alone on Lamu Island, not wanting to even share that it’s my bday, because i want to keep it all to myself!!
let’s get into today’s blog. if you are subscribed to 30thirty (my poetry publication), you will know i mentioned a crocodile yesterday on April 6th’s poem.
after reading a little on crocodile symbolism, i found it very fitting to the person i am evolving into.
i was going to the beach the other day and there were more people than usual, to my surprise. so i walked farther down, far away from people. the next day i was telling my friend that i recalled a childhood memory in school where i had a group of friends that i could have lunch with, but would still prefer to eat alone, and would intentionally go as far away as possible to be alone. and today i was talking to my mom and she told me she remembers dropping me off at school in the morning. there would be so much buzz in the school, students being students. and i would walk straight past and through the crowd directly into my classroom and then sit in class. no greetings, no small talk, nothing. cutting to the chase pro max.
right about now, it feels like a full-circle moment. and because i have done a full circle—a cycle is complete. i am transforming into the crocodile.
the crocodile is ancient, unchanged for millions of years, which is what coming home to who i truly am feels like. going back to my ancient self. and speaking of ancient selves, i worried for 3 seconds about aging and then remembered i am, in fact, much, much, much older than 33, and that is merely my body’s age.
from this point—i am writing on Friday, April 17. i did not manage to finish because i needed more lived experience to finish this piece. today is 10 days after my bday, a new moon, and i have read there is something afoot with the planets.
let’s go back to the symbolism.
crocodiles are known for their patience, their ability to wait for the right moment to take action. it reminds me of how producers tell actors to use whatever they may be going through in life to fuel their performance. crocodiles, as dangerous as they are, are not impulsive—they are thorough. they wait for the right moment to channel all the impulses into one big showdown. if it came down to do or die, they would do it with flying colors—which is probably why they have survived for so long. they study time, and i find that fascinating. they learn when to do what to guarantee success, to be supported by the “right time” and not just their own will. do you know how much easier life would be if we learned how to be supported by spacetime?
crocodiles inhabit both land and water, symbolizing balance between the physical and emotional world. not assuming one is less important than the other, which i think gives them a lot of wisdom and deep understanding. very much like an elder.
and for me they are ultimately saying—i am not here for your entertainment. be it with how they look physically or what they do. they are here for themselves, and that is the source of their contentment. it’s basically their world and we are just living in it.
did you know they can stay still sometimes for days, waiting for the right time to hunt prey? that tells me that they have such a rich inner world where there is not a single moment of boredom. just spacetime.
so yeah, this is my next transition. to be unto myself. and i feel it coming. the Island helps…a lot. so do intentional actions.
also interseting, the croc came to me on the 6th of April, a day before 33.
WOW I loved reading this piece, so deep, so you! I love the version of you you’ve grown into and so proud to call you my friend…Cheers to 33 and to the crocodile self 💚